The Babylon Yellow Jacket

  CEDARVILLE - OHIO A sharp dispute broke out among the student body of Cedarville University this morning. Although there were several points of contention, the heart of the dispute rested on the true color of Bill Boulet’s undershirt. At first glance, chapel appeared normal. However, upon closer examination, many students noticed that there was a discrepancy between the color of Boulet’s shirt on the screen and his shirt in real life. Several students with OCD had to leave during the service and campus security recorded three fights over the matter in the following hours. As of publishing time, it has been revealed that the psychology department tuned the projector to display Boulet’s shirt as a different color so that they could observe the reactions of the student body.

CEDARVILLE - OHIO Natalie Burnsen, a sophomore worship major, passed out somewhere in between the Dixon Ministry Center and the Callan Athletic Center last week as temperatures warmed above freezing for the first time in centuries. Witnesses noted that she had grossly overdressed for the conditions. Upon reaching the road, she found herself weak and unable to stand. Fortunately, EMS and Campus security were on the scene in seconds at the expense of the University's peace and quiet. Cedarville University Medical Staff quickly realized that she had suffered from a mild heat stroke in the 38-degree weather that morning. Under the impeccable care of the EMS staff, Natalie Burnsen quickly recovered and has seen no long term affects from the incident. As of publishing time, CU EMS has asked employees to work overtime in anticipation of 60+ degree temperatures this week.