$3,000 Bounty on Freshmen Couple Who Were Holding Hands

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CEDARVILLE - OHIO

It may be second semester here at Cedarville University, but President Dr. Thomas White still believes that freshmen should abstain from the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and the pride of life. Dr. White once again reminded the student body this week that dating is still off limits for the freshies.

Nevertheless, incidents have been reported. The Babylon Yellow Jacket has received several anonymous reports of people holding hands in obscure corners of campus. One couple, who were spotted in a remote corner of Apple, were confirmed to be freshmen via Cedar-stalk. After being alerted of the situation, Dr. White offered a $3,000 dollar bounty at chapel the next day.

"This will be yours if you turn them in for biblical counselling by this weekend," said Dr. White as he held a large pile of "Benjamims" in front of the student body. "If you want to turn yourself in, you will get the money."

As of publishing time, two freshmen students have signed up for university counseling.

Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 29, 2026 at 9:14 PM

    "in a remote corner of Apple"... just holding hands?

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousFebruary 1, 2026 at 12:14 PM

    "I can bring them in warm, or I can bring them in cold.
    This is the Way."

    ReplyDelete

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