A Brief Introduction

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This is a satirical news site exclusively devoted to Cedarville University. The authors live on this campus, but their identities will remain secret for the time being. It is important to note that many of the articles will seem outrageous and unrealistic. That's the point. This is not real news! Much of the inspiration for this site (including the name) came from the Babylon Bee. Now stop reading this boring post and go read some satire! ~The Editors

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Faith Hall to be Bulldozed and Replaced with Taco Bell

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CEDARVILLE - OHIO According to Dr. White, plans are being made to build a Taco Bell on the edge of campus. The fortunate residents of Faith Hall will be relocated to Parker Hall while Faith Hall is demolished by bulldozer and potentially dynamite. "I have learned that I have to give the people what they want sometimes," said Dr. Thomas White, "Maybe they will stop calling the Commons' Chuck's.'" Senior Class Chaplain Ethan Foster approved of the change, noting that "this would bring much unreached to Cedarville, which is where they need to be." Ethan offered Dr. White his grandmother's wrecking ball from her attic, but Dr. White declined. Despite what the majority thinks, Mr. Bratt Willson, official janitor of Brock Hall's bathrooms, claims this is a horrible idea. Mr. Willson said to Dr. White, "NO, NOT TACO BELL, ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Dr. White has since then made plans for Faith Hall's current janitor to help Mr. Willson...
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Dr. Rogers Announces That He Wants to be Just Like Dr. Miller When He Grows Up

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 CEDARVILLE - OHIO In a shocking moment at the pulpit this morning, Dr. Trent Rogers of Cedarville University announced that when he grows up, he wants to be just like Dr. Chris Miller, a fellow professor at the University. "I know it's a lofty goal," he told the audience of 4,000 who had gathered for his sermon. "But it's easier to be Dr. Miller than Jesus." When asked if he would still seek to become like Jesus, Dr. Rogers responded, "Of course I want to become more like Jesus. I am merely imitating Dr. Miller as he imitates Christ." Upon hearing the news that he had acquired his first disciple, Dr. Chris Miller issued a strong word of caution. "Firstly, I am not Christ. My name is missing the "t" anyways. Secondly, we must be careful not to idolize fallen men. However, if imitating me makes Dr. Rogers more like Christ, then I am all in." As of publishing time, over 50 students have joined Dr. Rogers in becoming disciples of D...
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Dr. Kimble Aims Nerf Gun At Nearest Unbeliever To Speed Conversion

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CEDARVILLE - OHIO Dr. Jeremy Kimble, a beloved professor at Cedarville University, whipped out a bright orange Nerf gun during his sermon Wednesday evening, according to sources.  "Dr. Kimble has always been known for his earnestness in the pulpit and in the classroom, but this was next level," said Nathan Bardwall, a student who attended Cedarville's GO Conference that evening to hear Kimble speak. Kimble produced the device at the climax of his sermon and aimed it at the nearest unbeliever. After staring down the orange barrel and hearing Kimble's call for repentance, the individual fell to their knees and received Jesus as their personal Lord and savior on the spot. Dr. Kimble had no need to fire the weapon, and it is unknown whether it was loaded during the sermon. As of publishing time, Dr. White has purchased fully automatic Nerf guns for the remaining faculty and staff.
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