All Curtain Rods to be Strengthened So They Can Double as Pull-Up Bars

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The Old Shower Bar Design Still Found In Many Dorms
 CEDARVILLE - OHIO

After decades of friction with the student body, the Cedarville Maintenance Staff have decided to strengthen every shower curtain rod so that they can effectively and safely double as pull-up bars.

"We were so tired of fixing broken shower rods," said Jeremy Johnson, a member of the maintenance staff for over 20 years. "It took us decades, but we finally realized that boys will always be boys. Duh."

Johnson explained that it would be easier to strengthen each bar to hold up to 300 pounds (leaving a considerable safety margin for most people) than to keep repairing bars only designed to hold 30. The modifications are fairly easy. It only requires completely replacing the hollow bar with a solid titanium rod and drilling 8 additional screws.

Certain bathrooms in Lawlor were the first to receive the bar upgrade. "I really love it," said Gabriel Carhartt, a resident of Lawlor. "I can lock in on pull-ups and chin-ups and not worry about breaking my neck and dying."

Jeremy Johnson noted that Brock and McChesney would follow Lawlor. When asked if girl dorms would receive the same upgrade, Johnson responded with, "if we have time."

Comments

  1. AnonymousJanuary 8, 2026 at 10:28 PM

    Obviously satire. They would never be this considerate Lol

    ReplyDelete

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