The Babylon Yellow Jacket

 CEDARVILLE - OHIO In a shocking moment at the pulpit this morning, Dr. Trent Rogers of Cedarville University announced that when he grows up, he wants to be just like Dr. Chris Miller, a fellow professor at the University. "I know it's a lofty goal," he told the audience of 4,000 who had gathered for his sermon. "But it's easier to be Dr. Miller than Jesus." When asked if he would still seek to become like Jesus, Dr. Rogers responded, "Of course I want to become more like Jesus. I am merely imitating Dr. Miller as he imitates Christ." Upon hearing the news that he had acquired his first disciple, Dr. Chris Miller issued a strong word of caution. "Firstly, I am not Christ. My name is missing the "t" anyways. Secondly, we must be careful not to idolize fallen men. However, if imitating me makes Dr. Rogers more like Christ, then I am all in." As of publishing time, over 50 students have joined Dr. Rogers in becoming disciples of D...

CEDARVILLE - OHIO According to Dr. White, plans are being made to build a Taco Bell on the edge of campus. The fortunate residents of Faith Hall will be relocated to Parker Hall while Faith Hall is demolished by bulldozer and potentially dynamite. "I have learned that I have to give the people what they want sometimes," said Dr. Thomas White, "Maybe they will stop calling the Commons' Chuck's.'" Senior Class Chaplain Ethan Foster approved of the change, noting that "this would bring much unreached to Cedarville, which is where they need to be." Ethan offered Dr. White his grandmother's wrecking ball from her attic, but Dr. White declined. Despite what the majority thinks, Mr. Bratt Willson, official janitor of Brock Hall's bathrooms, claims this is a horrible idea. Mr. Willson said to Dr. White, "NO, NOT TACO BELL, ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Dr. White has since then made plans for Faith Hall's current janitor to help Mr. Willson...

CEDARVILLE - OHIO Communications student Noah Thorclay demanded an extension for a speech that was due. Dr. Andy Harrison, an Associate Professor of Communication, had assigned the 23-minute speech about farm animals to all his students, which was due on the 8th of January at 11:00am. Noah requested an extension 15 minutes prior to the due date because his Grandma Edith had a hard attack and died. Dr. Harrison doubted Noah’s claim, saying, “Wasn't your Grandma Edith the one who died last time I extended your due date?” Further research reveals 3 total instances of Edith dying. Dr. White is in a fascinating dilemma: expel Noah for lying and breaking the covenant, or talk to this Edith woman who had obviously achieved immortality. Noah’s extension was granted. As of publishing time, Dr. White has scheduled a Zoom meeting with Grandma Edith to talk over what heaven looks like.

The Old Shower Bar Design Still Found In Many Dorms  CEDARVILLE - OHIO After decades of friction with the student body, the Cedarville Maintenance Staff have decided to strengthen every shower curtain rod so that they can effectively and safely double as pull-up bars. "We were so tired of fixing broken shower rods," said Jeremy Johnson, a member of the maintenance staff for over 20 years. "It took us decades, but we finally realized that boys will always be boys. Duh." Johnson explained that it would be easier to strengthen each bar to hold up to 300 pounds (leaving a considerable safety margin for most people) than to keep repairing bars only designed to hold 30. The modifications are fairly easy. It only requires completely replacing the hollow bar with a solid titanium rod and drilling 8 additional screws. Certain bathrooms in Lawlor were the first to receive the bar upgrade. "I really love it," said Gabriel Carhartt, a resident of Lawlor. "I can l...

  CEDARVILLE - OHIO With Cedarville University's Bolthouse Academic Center scheduled for completion in 2027, anticipation among the student body is building. When asked what part of the new building excited them the most, 7% of students said the rotunda, 10% said the peace and quiet of no construction, 16% said the back porch, and 67% said a new dining option. It is a common opinion among old hands at Cedarville University that today's students have become soft. Not only can they wear shorts at any time, but they also have an exceedingly wide variety of dining options to choose from. Nevertheless, students are still pushing for more food on campus. Maddox resident Leah Meyer was the first to suggest a Chipotle in the new Bolthouse building. The idea has quickly gained traction, and a formal petition was drafted earlier this week. The petition calls for a Chipolte to be installed on the first floor of the Bolthouse Academic Center no later than 2027. When asked for their opinion...

CEDARVILLE - OHIO Dr. Jeremy Kimble, a beloved professor at Cedarville University, whipped out a bright orange Nerf gun during his sermon Wednesday evening, according to sources.  "Dr. Kimble has always been known for his earnestness in the pulpit and in the classroom, but this was next level," said Nathan Bardwall, a student who attended Cedarville's GO Conference that evening to hear Kimble speak. Kimble produced the device at the climax of his sermon and aimed it at the nearest unbeliever. After staring down the orange barrel and hearing Kimble's call for repentance, the individual fell to their knees and received Jesus as their personal Lord and savior on the spot. Dr. Kimble had no need to fire the weapon, and it is unknown whether it was loaded during the sermon. As of publishing time, Dr. White has purchased fully automatic Nerf guns for the remaining faculty and staff.

This is a satirical news site exclusively devoted to Cedarville University. The authors live on this campus, but their identities will remain secret for the time being. It is important to note that many of the articles will seem outrageous and unrealistic. That's the point. This is not real news! Much of the inspiration for this site (including the name) came from the Babylon Bee. Now stop reading this boring post and go read some satire! ~The Editors