The Babylon Yellow Jacket

  CEDARVILLE - OHIO It may be second semester here at Cedarville University, but President Dr. Thomas White still believes that freshmen should abstain from the desires of the flesh, the desires of the eyes, and the pride of life. Dr. White once again reminded the student body this week that dating is still off limits for the freshies. Nevertheless, incidents have been reported. The Babylon Yellow Jacket has received several anonymous reports of people holding hands in obscure corners of campus. One couple, who were spotted in a remote corner of Apple, were confirmed to be freshmen via Cedar-stalk. After being alerted of the situation, Dr. White offered a $3,000 dollar bounty at chapel the next day. "This will be yours if you turn them in for biblical counselling by this weekend," said Dr. White as he held a large pile of "Benjamims" in front of the student body. "If you want to turn yourself in, you will get the money." As of publishing time, two freshmen...

 CEDARVILLE - OHIO In a not-so-surprising turn of events, the SGA student band has resolved to spawn in after every prayer on campus for at least the next two weeks. “SGA believes in the value and importance of worship music," SGA Chaplain Ethan Foster told the Jacket in an interview on Wednesday. "In addition to the enrichment of the soul, we want 90% of Cedarville to be senders and 10% to be goers. We believe that worship music after every prayer will stir up the university's 10%." Last week, SGA conducted trial runs in the location commonly known as Chuck's. Julia Antony was one of the first targets for post prayer worship. She performed a small 10-second private prayer sitting at a table by herself while waiting for her friends to arrive from the Habanero section. As soon as she lifted her eyes, the soft pads from the Nord Stage 4 greeted her ears, followed by the opening cords to Revelation Song. "I had no clue how they got there, but I was so glad to h...

  CEDARVILLE - OHIO In a rather surprising announcement on Friday, Dr. Joshua Kira of Cedarville University revealed to the University's Honors students that he was close to publishing his next work, "Professor Hitbox Analysis Done Right." The Babylon Yellow Jacket obtained an exclusive interview with Dr. Kira later that day. "I've spent most of my waking hours on this book," he remarked. "I have to carefully analyze all the professor shapes out there, reduce them to hitboxes, and then teach others how to do the same. It is not an easy task." Dr. Kira was inspired to write the book after being told he was to fight against Dr. Gilhooly, Dr. Rogers, and Dr. Kimble as part of the Elliv preshow. Dr. Kira knew he would lose the fight and wrote the book as an attempt to explain why. "Dr. Kimble's hitbox is like this," he told the editors as he drew a rectangle the width of a pencil on the whiteboard. "My hitbox is about here," he ...

CEDARVILLE - OHIO A civil engineering student, Dwight Neckstrom, designed blueprints to give Lawlor and Printy Halls a shape similar to that of Maddox Hall. While Dr. White was sitting at the spot between the stairs right after Chapel, Dwight came with multiple illustrations and blueprints to show him. Sources say that Dr. White said, "Fine, I'll consider the build," after Dwight "bugged" him about it for ten minutes. "Not only would they look like Maddox, but they would also have a skybridge with a lounge in the middle. How stinkin' cool is that?" The idea was brought to the official Cedarville University board of finance, and three weeks later, it was approved for construction this summer.

 CEDARVILLE - OHIO Wyatt Kenny, a campus security officer, had a crazy thought one day as he put on his gun for the day: "I don't think I'll actually ever use this thing."  “I know most people want action and risk, but you just don’t get that at a Christian campus, which is good. I’m not saying I want to point a gun at anyone, but it’s a bummer that I never will get that kind of action.” Bruce Upchurch, Director of Campus Security, didn't know what to say when he heard it. His mind was blown, too. "We trained to be able to use this thing, yet we never will. That sucks."  Sources say the one officer (who will remain anonymous) gets a catapult to launch a watermelon into the air so she can shoot it out of the air. She does this every Tuesday. As of posting time, all of campus security decided to play a massive game of paintball against anyone who volunteers to be on the other team. That ad was on Cedarville Classifeds.

CEDARVILLE - OHIO If you’ve ever had a class at the HSC, chances are you’ve located a stone... thing sitting outside the building. However, no one quite knows its true purpose. Fortunately for you, the editors of the Babylon Yellow Jacket have compiled a very realistic list of the most likely uses for the HSC stone thingy. 1. Ancient Greek/Roman Amphitheater Legend has it that the Greeks and Romans settled Cedarville and this was the town amphitheater. Further proof for this theory is offered by the fact that Roman coins have been unearthed in Ohio. (Look it up!) 2. The Original Cedarville Chapel Some speculate that the first chapel services at Cedarville College were held here in the fall of 1887. The steps have been abandoned since the winter of 1887. A wise move. 4. Incomplete Altar to the Stinger Idol According to rare manuscripts unearthed in the men's bathroom of the Centennial Library, an altar to the Stinger Idol was to be constructed outside the HSC. The steps leading to t...

 CEDARVILLE - OHIO One of the main reasons you came to Cedarville University was to find a good, Godly guy... unless you are a guy reading this; that would be weird. Anyway, here is a complicated process you can attempt that will test his Godliness and seal the deal for you and your future spouse: 1. Start by complementing his shoes Men love it when the girls start the conversations. 2. Keep it going by asking for his name and major Basic stuff, you should know this already. 3. After the conversation is rolling, shift it to gossiping about some professor: If he stops you because he recognizes gossip, he is a holy man, and you need to smile and say, "Sorry, I'm working on it." Just a small test of Godliness, and it lets him think you are improving on yours. 4. Give him your number and make sure you're in his contacts So you can contact him later; this is important. 5. If he asks you out, nice. If not, you must continue to step 6 Hopefully, you got off easy. 6. Now that...

CEDARVILLE - OHIO Lukas Naphouser, a B- engineering student, shocked the whole campus by switching to business. Lukas went straight to the Office of the Registrar and demanded that they switch him to something easier. After the lady at the desk's shock wore off, she did what was necessary to change his major. "I needed something, anything easier," said Lukas, "I fell into a dark place of Calculus, Physics, and huh... a few other hard, scary math classes. I needed someone to pull me back up to the light, but then it hit me that I could just take a major that is a little easier." Since converting, Lukas has 70% more free time. lost 32% respect. has 84% more social friends. gets 50% more sleep. has obtained 66% more rizz. is 50% lazier. has gained 15 pounds. has obtained immeasurable happiness. Lukas's friend, who is a C- engineering student in The Hill, says, "I don't know what all the fuss is about. I get that he didn't like math much, but none o...

CEDARVILLE - OHIO Some say that clean water is important. Others say that a hot air balloon is important. Students in Cedarville University's brand new "Balloon Org" firmly believe in the latter. "It's about time we outdid Liberty University at something," said Maddy Jones, a sophomore student who helped to form the org. "Liberty has two private jets. What do we have? Nothing... yet." The org has outlined plans to demolish the famous white and blue water tower and replace it with a similarly painted balloon. They plan to do this in order to not disturb the local scenery and skyline. Critics have heavily criticized the project (big surprise there). They cite the enormous cost of the project as their top concern. In response to this criticism from the critics, the students of the Balloon Org have promised to fund the project via $6 rides. They have also promised to hand-deliver water to the university bathrooms in case the power goes out. Not to be o...

 CEDARVILLE - OHIO In a shocking moment at the pulpit this morning, Dr. Trent Rogers of Cedarville University announced that when he grows up, he wants to be just like Dr. Chris Miller, a fellow professor at the University. "I know it's a lofty goal," he told the audience of 4,000 who had gathered for his sermon. "But it's easier to be Dr. Miller than Jesus." When asked if he would still seek to become like Jesus, Dr. Rogers responded, "Of course I want to become more like Jesus. I am merely imitating Dr. Miller as he imitates Christ." Upon hearing the news that he had acquired his first disciple, Dr. Chris Miller issued a strong word of caution. "Firstly, I am not Christ. My name is missing the "t" anyways. Secondly, we must be careful not to idolize fallen men. However, if imitating me makes Dr. Rogers more like Christ, then I am all in." As of publishing time, over 50 students have joined Dr. Rogers in becoming disciples of D...

CEDARVILLE - OHIO According to Dr. White, plans are being made to build a Taco Bell on the edge of campus. The fortunate residents of Faith Hall will be relocated to Parker Hall while Faith Hall is demolished by bulldozer and potentially dynamite. "I have learned that I have to give the people what they want sometimes," said Dr. Thomas White, "Maybe they will stop calling the Commons' Chuck's.'" Senior Class Chaplain Ethan Foster approved of the change, noting that "this would bring much unreached to Cedarville, which is where they need to be." Ethan offered Dr. White his grandmother's wrecking ball from her attic, but Dr. White declined. Despite what the majority thinks, Mr. Bratt Willson, official janitor of Brock Hall's bathrooms, claims this is a horrible idea. Mr. Willson said to Dr. White, "NO, NOT TACO BELL, ANYTHING BUT THAT!" Dr. White has since then made plans for Faith Hall's current janitor to help Mr. Willson...

CEDARVILLE - OHIO Communications student Noah Thorclay demanded an extension for a speech that was due. Dr. Andy Harrison, an Associate Professor of Communication, had assigned the 23-minute speech about farm animals to all his students, which was due on the 8th of January at 11:00am. Noah requested an extension 15 minutes prior to the due date because his Grandma Edith had a hard attack and died. Dr. Harrison doubted Noah’s claim, saying, “Wasn't your Grandma Edith the one who died last time I extended your due date?” Further research reveals 3 total instances of Edith dying. Dr. White is in a fascinating dilemma: expel Noah for lying and breaking the covenant, or talk to this Edith woman who had obviously achieved immortality. Noah’s extension was granted. As of publishing time, Dr. White has scheduled a Zoom meeting with Grandma Edith to talk over what heaven looks like.

The Old Shower Bar Design Still Found In Many Dorms  CEDARVILLE - OHIO After decades of friction with the student body, the Cedarville Maintenance Staff have decided to strengthen every shower curtain rod so that they can effectively and safely double as pull-up bars. "We were so tired of fixing broken shower rods," said Jeremy Johnson, a member of the maintenance staff for over 20 years. "It took us decades, but we finally realized that boys will always be boys. Duh." Johnson explained that it would be easier to strengthen each bar to hold up to 300 pounds (leaving a considerable safety margin for most people) than to keep repairing bars only designed to hold 30. The modifications are fairly easy. It only requires completely replacing the hollow bar with a solid titanium rod and drilling 8 additional screws. Certain bathrooms in Lawlor were the first to receive the bar upgrade. "I really love it," said Gabriel Carhartt, a resident of Lawlor. "I can l...

  CEDARVILLE - OHIO With Cedarville University's Bolthouse Academic Center scheduled for completion in 2027, anticipation among the student body is building. When asked what part of the new building excited them the most, 7% of students said the rotunda, 10% said the peace and quiet of no construction, 16% said the back porch, and 67% said a new dining option. It is a common opinion among old hands at Cedarville University that today's students have become soft. Not only can they wear shorts at any time, but they also have an exceedingly wide variety of dining options to choose from. Nevertheless, students are still pushing for more food on campus. Maddox resident Leah Meyer was the first to suggest a Chipotle in the new Bolthouse building. The idea has quickly gained traction, and a formal petition was drafted earlier this week. The petition calls for a Chipolte to be installed on the first floor of the Bolthouse Academic Center no later than 2027. When asked for their opinion...

CEDARVILLE - OHIO Dr. Jeremy Kimble, a beloved professor at Cedarville University, whipped out a bright orange Nerf gun during his sermon Wednesday evening, according to sources.  "Dr. Kimble has always been known for his earnestness in the pulpit and in the classroom, but this was next level," said Nathan Bardwall, a student who attended Cedarville's GO Conference that evening to hear Kimble speak. Kimble produced the device at the climax of his sermon and aimed it at the nearest unbeliever. After staring down the orange barrel and hearing Kimble's call for repentance, the individual fell to their knees and received Jesus as their personal Lord and savior on the spot. Dr. Kimble had no need to fire the weapon, and it is unknown whether it was loaded during the sermon. As of publishing time, Dr. White has purchased fully automatic Nerf guns for the remaining faculty and staff.

This is a satirical news site exclusively devoted to Cedarville University. The authors live on this campus, but their identities will remain secret for the time being. It is important to note that many of the articles will seem outrageous and unrealistic. That's the point. This is not real news! Much of the inspiration for this site (including the name) came from the Babylon Bee. Now stop reading this boring post and go read some satire! ~The Editors